We all know the old adage, less is more, but is this really the case?
Surely when writing a story we want to give more description, more information, more words. And let’s face it, the more complex the description and information and words, the better, right?
Wrong.
Let’s equate reading a story to taking a Sunday stroll. If the path is clear, no obstacles or barriers in the way, then walking is a leisurely, enjoyable experience. But if the path is overrun by shrubbery, by flowers and ferns, beautiful rocks and ornaments, then your stroll becomes a trek that is cumbersome and tiring.
Note the parallels with your story?
There are many ways in which we can ‘pare back’ and create a more easy and enjoyable reading experience for our audience. Let’s take a look at a few and how it relates to our story here.
- DESCRIPTION
It’s so easy to get so engrossed in our writing that we get carried away and describe every little detail. We want the reader to see EVERYTHING. The sun setting beneath a blood-rich horizon; heavenly birdsong; blistering winds; sculpted cornices and white-washed walls; lush carpets and rich-velvet drapes; a character’s appearance from their bleached-blonde hair to their pink-painted toenails; their grumpy Garfield-ginger to their dopey gangly Dalmatian.
Yes, we want our stories to enrich our reader’s lives. But there’s a fine line between enriching and boring to tears.
So, how do we determine how much description is enough?
Think about the way you read. What passages do you read, word for word, and what passages do you skim? And once you’re skimming, what makes you stop?
What descriptions do your readers need to pique their interest, and what visuals do they need to build a more detailed picture of your scene or character? Remember, they don’t need it all, they just need enough to spark their imagination to then create a visual in their mind.
What descriptions are critical to your story and plot? If your character is in a rural setting, how much can you describe to show this without going too far? What about if they’re in a space station? Or a kids’ playground?
Critical descriptions might include details that form part of a loaded gun, something we talked about in more detail in May.
Let’s have a look at how we can pare back in description without compromising the integrity of our story.
Examples:
Before:
‘What have you got for us, Teddy?’
Jayda braced her stomach as the smell of the dead body’s decomposing flesh hit her.
This body, another victim to the Night Terror, hadn’t been founds as quickly as the others before her. The killer had used his knowledge of the city to ensure this. The adjacent lane reeked of urine, a flow on from the bar across the street. The council rubbish collectors were still on strike. She could tell from row upon row of overflowing dumpsters. No one in their right mind would enter the alley at night.
No one, perhaps, but a killer.
The alley stood in the hub of Melbourne’s CBD, an ear’s throw from the main city streets, hectic pedestrian traffic and rumbling city trams.
Medical examiner Rod Bearinger glanced up and nodded. ‘Chase. Jayda.’
After:
‘What’ve we got, Teddy?’
Jayda braced her stomach as the stench of decomposing flesh hit her nostrils. The strong reek of urine from the adjacent lane didn’t help. Or the overflowing dumpsters, a consequence of the council rubbish collectors’ rolling strikes. The reason this victim wasn’t found as quickly as the others. That and the fact she wasn’t displayed so publicly and proudly.
Only the occasional car horn or rumble of a city tram disturbed the deceptive calm of the blind alley; reminders they were standing in the hub of Melbourne’s city centre.
Medical examiner Rod Bearinger glanced up and nodded. ‘Chase. Jayda.’
Before:
Not long now.
The wind was light, but cold and damp. It fluttered through the leaves above, mixing with must from the wet soil which made him think of a promise of more rain.
He raised his night-vision lenses, squinting out over the roll of night-darkened paddocks, legs braced, his steel-tipped boots planted firmly in the muck.
He watched as the bright light from her head-lamp bobbed through the black – distant, indistinct, like a lone firefly in search of its mate.
He dropped the binoculars, letting them hang from his neck. Extracting a cigarette from the packet in his jacket pocket, he lit it then inhaled, watching the smoke curl upward and mingle with star-studded frostbitten sky.
He’d been waiting an age for this moment. Expectation, slinking up his spine like a wild dingo stalking its prey. Stealthy. Ravenous. Insatiable.
He heard a crack. The sound echoed through the paddock. He tensed, letting the cigarette dangle loosely between his lips. The faraway yellow light flickered, bobbing as she walked leisurely toward the barbed boundary fence. She tossed her gear in the boot, then slipped into her car, closed the door with a slam.
And then she was gone.
After:
Not long now.
Light winds fluttered the leaves above, eddying musty scents through the air. A promise of more rain.
He squinted through his night-vision lenses, his steel-tipped boots planted firmly in the muck.
A head-lamp bobbed through the black – distant, indistinct, like a lone firefly in search of its mate.
He dropped the binoculars, letting them hang from his neck, drawing on his cigarette, watching the smoke curl upward and mingle with the frostbitten sky.
Expectation slinked like a wild dingo up his spine. Stealthy. Ravenous. Insatiable.
A crack echoed through the paddock. He tensed, cigarette dangling between his lips. The faraway yellow flickered, bobbing its leisurely way toward the barbed boundary fence. Then a car door slammed. Another.
And then she was gone.
Comment: Note the difference between before and after. Think about the words used and sentence structure. Then consider the effect on pacing. Which excerpt is easier to read? More enjoyable? More suspenseful?
Why not take a look at your current work in progress, choose a paragraph or scene, and see if you can do the same.
- INFORMATION
Often when planning our novel, we gather a plethora of information in an effort to lend believability to our story. Then we look at our characters, and create a past and experiences to lend believability to their personalities.
All of this information is essential in the planning of your story, but not all of it needs to hit the pages of your book.
Examples:
Before:
The EMTs worked over the teenager with noticeable skill, trying to revive him. His shirt was open, his chest bare. Brad and John used the portable defibrillator, working efficiently to shock his heart back to life. Brad stuck the IV in his arm and injected the naloxone in to reverse the effects of the suspected heroin lulling his respiratory system into a permanent sleep. John rechecked his breathing and monitored his vital signs. They worked in easy tandem. Mick turned back to the crowd of possible witnesses. Third OD in two weeks. Something didn’t add up.
After:
The paramedics worked in tandem over the body. Skilled. Single-minded. The teenager’s shirt was open, his smooth chest bare. His underdeveloped body unmoving. Third OD in two weeks. Third kid fighting for his life. Mick dragged his attention back to the crowd of possible witnesses, and perps.
Comment: Thinking about the context of this example, the reader will never see or hear from Brad or John again. They are experiencing this scene through the eyes of a cop. Doubtful he’d be tracking every move the paramedics make. Knowing and understanding each step of the process of reviving a heroin OD victim. Unless he’s an ex-med student or paramedic, that is. Instead, he’d be doing the job of a cop – thinking about how he’ll solve the case.
Before:
‘Your hair may have lost the red, but your temper hasn’t. So tell me, is it really true what they say about blondes?’
She stared at the monitor instead of giving him her answer. She didn’t think he’d expect one. It was a long time since Chase and his wisecracks had seemed charming. She had to keep telling herself, he wasn’t Liam. Wasn’t the man who’d used her then tossed her and broke her heart, nearly breaking her career in the process.
She knew that. Knew this situation was nothing like five years ago. But common sense wasn’t the flavor of the day. She’d dodged the aftermath back then. It was unlikely she’d dodge it this time round.
After:
‘Your hair may have lost the red, but your temper hasn’t. So tell me, is it really true what they say about blondes?’
She stared at the monitor and didn’t bother with an answer. It was doubtful he expected one. The time when Chase and his wisecracks had seemed charming was long past.
He’s not Liam.
She knew that. Knew this situation was nothing like before. But reason wouldn’t curb her dread. She’d dodged the aftermath once. Unlikely she’d dodge it a second time round.
Before:
As Jayda blinked at her reflection in the mirror, her eyelids scraped over the unfamiliar contact lenses. She straightened the blonde wig. For the first time ever she looked like her adoptive family. The family she’d longed to be a genuine part of from the moment she realised she wasn’t. Sleek blonde hair. Blue eyes. When she squinted and tipped her head to the side, she could almost believe she was Bec’s real sister.
After:
Jayda blinked again. Looking in the mirror, it was difficult not to see the resemblance to her family that she’d longed for as a child. Sleek blonde hair. Blue eyes. When she squinted and tipped her head to the side, she could almost believe she was Bec’s real rather than adopted sister.
Comment: As you write, think about what information the reader needs. Consider how much is necessary before they’ll skim, looking for the next bit of interesting writing.
Then – very importantly – think about whose point of view you’re in. remember, you don’t need to explain everything at the onset. Leave some details to the imagination, and others, well, give your reader the benefit of the doubt and let them work some things out. For example, if you’re in a character’s point of view, as you write from inside their mind, think about how they would think certain thoughts.
Example:
Before:
She’d never been a sucker for broad shoulders and fathomless blue eyes. Or a smile that made her knees fold like the billows of an accordion. She wrote sexy detectives, and he happened to be a particularly sexy detective, in the flesh. Maybe that was it. Or her overactive imagination getting the better of her. Or maybe she should listen to her best friend, Shazz. She was always saying Stacey should get out more.
After:
She’d never been a sucker for broad shoulders and fathomless blue eyes. Or a smile that made her knees fold like the billows of an accordion. She wrote sexy detectives, and he happened to be a particularly sexy detective, in the flesh. Maybe that was it. Or her overactive imagination getting the better of her. Or maybe she needed to take Shazz’s advice and get out more.
Comment: See how in the second example we’ve not been told who Shazz is, yet we know she is someone close to Stacey. Whether a sister or friend, we know they want Stacey ‘to get out more’. And of course, as we read on, we’ll discover their relationship. But for now, it’s enough to know they exist and they are the voice of reason and encouragement in the protagonist’s ear.
Also, note here that by writing ‘She was always saying Stacey should get out more.’ we are pulling the reader out of Stacey’s point of view. Would Stacey really think of herself by name? Consider this when writing. See if you can limit the use of a character’s name where you’re in their point of view. This is something we may look at in a later blog, when we talk about deep point of view.
- SENTENCE STRUCTURE
The English language is a wondrous thing. So varied and exciting that we can become tempted to use it to its fullest potential. For literary works this may be acceptable. But in romance, we’re not out to dazzle and confound. We don’t want our readers to need a dictionary or paracetamol to allow them to finish our story. We aim to entertain and engage. With that in mind, it’s important to remember to write to your audience. To write a story that is easy to read and even easier to enjoy.
This means carving back on complex words and sentence structure. And carving back on words, full stop.
How? Let’s look at some examples to see how this can be done.
Examples:
Before: Alone in the car, she tapped her fingers against the steering wheel and let out a loud sigh.
After: She tapped her fingers against the steering wheel and sighed.
Before: ‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’
After: ‘You’ve got to be kidding.’
Before: A wave of dizziness washed over her.
After: Dizziness washed over her. Or even better ‘Dizziness hit.’
Before: She jumped at the sound of a door slamming behind her.
After: She jumped at a door slamming behind her.
Before: She dropped into a crouch and she fisted her hand around a keyring, positioning keys between her fingers to use as a makeshift weapon.
After: She crouched, fisting her keys between her fingers into a makeshift weapon.
Before: The tiny windowless office seemed to shrink in size around her.
After: The tiny windowless office shrunk around her.
Before: She took a step backward and hit the wall with a thud. She stared wordlessly at the man before her pointing a gun at her head.
After: She stepped back and slammed into the wall. Her stomach crashed to the ground as she faced the black barrel of a gun.
Comments: See how we can increase the flow and pace of our writing by paring back on unnecessary words? I’d like to look at this in more depth in another post, but for now, see if you can identify ways of doing the same in your own work. Analyse your sentences, your paragraphs, and see if there are combinations of words you can replace with just one word. Or even better, what would happen if you deleted the word altogether? Would the sentence still retain the same meaning? Would it read easier and become less cumbersome? Give it a go and see what you think.
Before: Sam swung his bat at the ball and prayed for a six. ‘C’mon baby, go all the way.’
After: Sam swung his bat, spinning the ball through the air. ‘C’mon baby, go for a six.’
Comment: As we write, it’s tempting to ‘show’ in our story, then back this up with telling, just in case the reader didn’t get the memo first time round. My answer to this? Don’t. Let your story unfold, show, and credit the reader with enough intelligence to figure it out. Rapping them over the head with the same information imparted in different packaging will only slow the pace of your writing, and may end up alienating your reader.
- DIALOGUE
Often when writing, it’s easy to get so swept away with the lyrical that we overlook a sharper more engaging way of imparting the descriptive – through dialogue.
Dialogue engages the reader, and gives us great opportunity to show more about our character. The way our characters speak, what they say and how they say it, can reveal so much about who they are and where they come from. Why not use this fabulous tool to up the pace and reveal your characters to your readers.
Examples:
Before: Trudie Smith pressed the garage door remote and begged the door to open.
After: Trudie Smith stabbed the unresponsive garage door remote. ‘C’mon, please. Open up, just this once.”
Before: After twisting her key in the lock, she swung the front door open and called out she was home.
After: Twisting her key in the lock, she swung the door open. ‘Honey, I’m home!’
Thanks to all my lovely followers out there, who’ve read and commented on my previous posts – either directly on the blog post or on the social media mentions. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support.
Sooo, as a thank you for reading and supporting this post, I have a special prize for this month’s winner. I’m offering one lucky commenter a half hour skype session to discuss three hundred words of their current work in progress. Yes, you heard right. We get to chat, face-to-face – or computer screen to computer screen – and chat about whatever it is about your writing you’d like to discuss.
To enter the draw, please comment below and share what most resonated with you. When have you adopted ‘less is more’? How do you feel this enhanced your story?
Any and all comments welcome! I love reading your feedback and input each month 🙂
Plus, this week I’m giving away extra chances to win. All you need to do is share links to this blog on any or all social media sites. Tag me so I know you’ve shared, and the more shares, the more times I’ll place your name in the draw to win.
A name will be drawn a week from today, on Wednesday 18th July, by 5pm DST and winners will be notified on the blog, so keep your eyes and ears peeled.
Before I go, I’d like to let you all know that I’m hosting an online workshop – more fondly known as an OWL – in August. It’s title? Simply Synopsis. If you’ve ever struggled with this wily writing tool, make sure you sign up. We’ll discuss what constitutes a selling synopsis – and as a result, a sock-rocking story 🙂 We’ll cover hooks and worldbuilding, and most importantly, GMC (Goal, Motivation, Conflict). With lots of hands on practice, as well as my advice and guidance, by the end of the 4 weeks you’ll have a synopsis that’ll rock any agent or editors socks clean off their feet.
Make sure you sign up!
Here’s the link: http://romanceaustralia.com/owl-schedule-2018/
Scroll down to August and take a look. Booking details should be up in the next week or two.
Thanks so much for stopping by. Have a fabulous month, and I’ll see you all again in August.
Michelle xx
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